Murders In the Air

Ugh. Theirs a high possibility that I'm going to murder someone today. One because I'm still pissed at what Chris told me last night. Seriously who the fuck even says that? I do feel slightly better about it since I got to yell at him and since Holly yelled at him for me. The kid wonders why no girls ever want to be with him, well theirs his fucking reason! He his by far one of the rudest people I've ever met and all I've tried to do is be friends with him but apparently because I don't act like Holly or his other friends that means I desperate for his approval. I swear sometimes hes worst then fucking Katie.

Then that leads me on to god damn Whitney. She's In my damn FYS group so we have to work together to do things. The damn bitch said she would go to the library and get it. She then text me complaining about she didn't get it because they didn't have it. I took the liberty of doing it myself and went to the school library ro find it. It was already checked out, so I went to the public library because I had a huge suspicion that Whitney was lying. What do you know, they fucking had it. I swear to god I refuse to fail this project because I have the shittiest group ever.

Rhythm

I think I'm really beginning to get the hang of things here at college. I started out pretty bad with my priorities all in the wrong place but now I'm actually beginning to understand what expected of me to actually have a successful experience.

Little Bits

To say the least, last night was probably my worst one in Manchester yet. I completely lost it. I actually ended up calling my dad to tell him that I was thinking about transferring schools and somehow I ended up crying my eyes out. He drove and hour and a half last night to come see me and talk to me. I do feel better now but I'm still kinda on edge. Thank god I get to go pick up my prescription today, god knows I need my meds.

For some reason I cant get Olivia off my mind. Everyday I miss her more and more but as of late its been more intense. Hopefully I get to see her and January, I miss my baby.

So I would just like to say that I called it. Gage and Mariah are officially together and I guess within the week he was back in Manchester. Hes lucky I didn't see him because I'm sure I would of fucking choked. Yes I still have a lot of resentment toward that kid.

bleh

So this is a whiny post, get over it.

Seriously I dont even know what to do with my life right now. I am so over my pretentious friends. Ive been talking to Jordan a lot and he remind me off what I'm missing. Maybe Manchester isn't the school for me. I have seriously been giving it a lot of thought.. I think I might transfer to ISU. I mean Manchester is amazing and I have a 4 year plan and everything is nice, I just think maybe the people I'm associating with aren't the right ones for me. Some times there awesome but a lot of the time they prove themselves to be stuck up ass holes. I don't want to be like that. I want to go back to the old Amanda. I was happier then. Now I just feel like my life is on an endless cycle and its driving me crazy.

Theres a few things I made my friends aware of here right away:

Mt biggest insecurity is feeling like no one likes me and wants me around.
I'm bi-polar, have depression, and anxiety attacks
I'm not rich
I cant keep doing the same things continuously
I can go from destroyed to crazy maniac bitch in 3 seconds

I guess they didn't give a fuck when I told them this because they've pretty much secluded me, rubbed money in my face, given me shit over my anxiety, keep doing the same things and then got mad because I didn't want to. And then with the last one, I was loosing it earlier and actually thought about making there lifes a living hell. Sigh I don't even know what to do anymore.

Poem

So I was going through my old poem books and just happened to come across one of my favorite poems. I wrote this back in high school but for some reason I'm just so in love with it.

For years I've trusted you with numerous secrets,

you've tried convincing me of things like no one else has,

My mask hardly ever fooled you,

And you always see through my tears;

You quickly found out that I was dying on the inside, 

When you see my cuts

You shake your head and know better then to lecture me,

Soon you realized I was suicidal

And for the first time it looked like YOU were falling apart

I know that you too, wear a mask

Yet you always find ways to make me smile

And you even make me face my "silly" fears

Even though we have our moment,

You have always been one of my best friends

Not once did you betray me;

You have always been someone I can speak my soul to

You laugh with me when im being stupid

And your always there to try and catch me when I fall

But when I do fall, your there to pick me back up again

Once you told me to not give up on life

That theirs something good in my future

And to just keep holding on even though im slipping

These words still play in my head

When Im picking up that knife

Pouring out those pills

Forming the noose

Or using that utensil to cut

I just wish I could somehow repay you..

I know in a way this poem is a little odd. Maybe it may strike you as a bit suicidal. To be honest when this was written, I was young and going through a hard time. This is were my mind was at and this is how I saw the world.

Give Me A Second To Scream

Sorry I just have to vent. God damnit I am so sick and tired of all the fighting with Ally and Andrew. Sad part is, is that none of it is even by them! its by everyone else! Seriously they both need to shut there god damn friends and families the fuck up because in the end there just making it worst for Andrew and Ally. In what I think people are failing to realize is that in the end the only person who fucking matters and Olivia! Oh My Fucking God! Im Over this shit!

Good Day

It's nights like these that I love. Seriously I'm sitting in the great room of Oakwood right now cuddled up in a blanket watching Vampire Diaries and American Horror Stories with my best friends while I drink hot chocolate and stuff my face with junk food. All my homework is done and I'm just in a really good mood. Actually now that I think about it, I think today in general has just been an amazing day. My classes all went well and I got a lot done. :)

My Disgust Of Logansport

First off, I have one of A Day To Remembers new songs stuck in my head. I knew things would happen and honestly I'm okay with it.

Second, you have no idea of how happy I am to be back home. Seriously I don't hate home but this weekend was just one of the craziest weekends of my life. I just love being at Manchester with all my friends that are so much like me. We have a lot of fun. I think the main part of my weekend home that threw me off was how much everyone had changed. I'm not saying that's a bad thing and I'm not saying that it was unexpected but I am saying that I didn't expect it to effect the way I look at things back home.

Oh well, now that I'm out of logansport I realize just how bad it is. If i could give one thing of sound advice to anyone it would be to get out of logansport. Seriously your life will change for ever and you will have a completely different out look on everything. For instance, I never realized how dirty logansport was, or even how drug infested and stupid it was. Now that I live in a really nice place its hard to believe that I lived there.

I'm not gonna continue to sit here and knock logansport, I mean that is where I grew up, and that is the place that shaped me but its also the place that made me want to start a new life. Logansport was apart of my life but now I've moved on and I can honestly say that I have no desire to go back.

So I Came Home

Hmm to explain my trip home would be and interesting story. I can give you the short run by saying I visited family, friends and worked. Or I could give you the long run by explaining how I never realized how much I hate Logansport, every one's changed, all I've done is fight with family, works worst then normal, and the highlight of my week is that I'm going to my dads tonight.

At first when I drove into Logansport I was so happy to be home and I was excited to see my friends and family. I didn't even go home, I went straight to my moms work to say hi. As soon as I got out and saw her she started to yell at me, figures. Then I went to my grandmas where I got lectured, cant say I'm not surprised. Later that night when I got home, I had no bed and someone was already on the couch. I slept on the fucking floor.

I guess my room now is used as the family storage, cool. On top of that my mom informed me that Andrew is coming home on the 9 of January and the bastard gets to stay in my room. I'm glad she told me. Now I have time to get all my shit out of there.

Oh and I'm royally pissed at the fact that I'm pretty sure my mom got rid of my jacket. That's just great, that's the only one I fucking have!

Family Drama

I am so sick and tired of all the family drama. Seriously I understand that my brother and Ally are divorcing which is awesome because it needs to happen but its the fact that shes playing the innocent card the whole time and blaming Andrew as a horrible person. If that's not enough shes having all of her family antagonize him as well. Seriously I just don't give a fuck. Andrew and I don't get along and I don't see that happening for a long time. The only problem I have is that Ally is treating me and my family like were nothing. It isn't enough that she took Olivia away from me but shes treating us like its all are fault.

I'm Coming Home!

Well I'm not gonna lie. At first I was a little submissive of the whole fact of going home. I mean I really love it at college, but as tomorrow grows closer and closer I just cant wait to go home. I miss my friends, family and all the things that I use to do back home. Sadly my one big worry is actually trying to get home but from what I've gathered its a pretty straight shot. My dad keeps worrying me though. He keeps going on and on about how I'm not gonna like it at home because nothing will be the same. I mean i know some things will be different but I'm not really that worried about me not liking it anymore. My main goal in going home tomorrow is staying as far away from Gage as possible. I have cut off all contact with him and I want nothing to do with him! That being said, I should really go to bed because I have a 9 o'clock tomorrow and my friends actually want me to get up early and go to breakfast... yea probably not gonna happen.

Straightening Shit Out

It's nights like last night for why I love college. I hung out with Holly all day and then had a terrorist chase with Chris. We drove around all night and played the subject game. Got some interesting responses. Me and Chris are back to normal and I'm pretty sure its going to stay that way. i had to options. push him into not being a bitch, or just be his friend. I chose the friend path, I don't want to mess up the trifecta. Anyway Tuesdays and Thursdays are my favorite days. i don't have class till 2 :)

Fight to the Death

Today's my day to claim birthday rights on a lot of things. I guess I should be excited but to be honest its just been a long ass day. I'm seriously not sure what the hell is going on with Chris. I mean some days he hates me while other days were okay. last night he actually started treating me like I was a human being again but then while I was in Sociology he lectured me about how I shouldn't date Hunter. To be honest me and Hunter aren't even dating and at this rate we never will. What right does have though to sit there and tell me who I should and shouldn't date. He had his chance! Ironically enough though I guess Hunter hates Chris and Chris thinks there good friends. I dont know where I stand with everything, i'm still trying to figure it all out.

More Complaining

I feel like all I ever do anymore is complain. I mean I'm not going to lie, this post is generally about me complaining. Fucking Chris Hartman needs shot. I have done nothing but be nice to him and try to prove to him that we can be friends without things being weird between us but apparently he doesn't thinks that's possible since he gave me the third degree all fucking night. Then on top of all that I had to deal with god damn Whitney and her dirty whore mouth. Ugh.

I love college don't get me wrong, I just cant deal with all of there problems anymore. In good news I met this guy names Hunter. Hes super cool and I do have my fingers crosses. Not gonna lie, there is a huge bonus in dating him, he hates Chris :)