I'm to emotionally compromised to effectively give an good statement on how my lives been going. I'm sure on the outside it looks like I have my shit together. Assistant manager at the DG while also being a full time student, and actually achieving highly at both. I'm getting along well with my family (minus Andrew of course). I've got friends that do nothing but make me laugh all the time. Its a good mask. A really good one.. Sometimes almost too good.
I hate when I get in these emotional states. I'm sure it just an add on to my friends on how emotionally damaged I am. From the outside my friends see me as the sloot girl with a fucked up family and an emotional block. Probably an attention seeking, "daft cunt" (as in the word of Chris Hartman). That's not who I want to be. I cant begin to stress how much I wish I wasn't the way I was. I wish I could be like Nate and Holly and be okay with acting ridiculous, I wish I could sing and dance like a crazy person in front of my friends here. Theres so much I wish I was able to do but I guess the easiest thing to say is that I'm insecure.
There once was a time when I really didn't care what others thought of me. I did, and acted however I saw fit and I'm sure my Logan Friends would agree. I came to Manchester and lost all of that. I cant help but feel intimidated by all the supremacy here. I'm merely a bug on the radar of people I don't know.
The worst thing about all these emotional blows I feel is that it makes me think of the should ofs. We can start along the lines of I should of never chose a school based off of my dad. I should of never let John and Gage back into my life to continue there streak of hurt and wreckage. I should of been myself from the beginning... I could go on with this for days. You'd think my list of wishes would be growing now that I'm on my own but to be honest I'm beginning to give up my dreams.. I don't want to be in college. I don't want to be anything of important circumstances. I don't even think i want to go abroad anymore and to be honest that the one that scares me the most. I tell everyone that I came to Manchester because I loved the school, which I wasn't lying, but I also came here for the study abroad program. Now that I don't think I want to do it anymore I can help but wonder why the hell I'm still here.
The loneliness is the worst part. The closest relationship I ever had with a guy was with John. I know I shrug him off like he's no big deal but he is a huge deal. I'm not In love with John and to be honest I don't really like him. I'm in love with what I had with John. All the long nights up talking and laughing. The road trips through the country. Fishing in the sand by the river.. The moments when I would catch him staring at me and he would tell me how beautiful I was...
God it hurts to think that I don't have that and the only person i want it from wants it from someone else. This is what I mean when i say emotionally compromised. What am I suppose to do? All I can figure is that I continue on with my life continuing with the feeling of emotional distress. Every time I see him my heart races, every time he looks at me I swear I'll go red. When he touches me I shiver.. and then it all crashes down when he talks about her. When he mentions how much he doesn't like me. Sometimes even when he ignores me. I always fall for the wrong person and I guess every time it is different so Its not like I'm allowed to sit here and claim this one as different. He's just... the opposite of everyone Ive ever liked or cared about. I normally have a consistency in who I like but not this time, this time I can honestly say hes different..
My emotional conflictions will continue to rage on and I'm sure with due time I will be back to write again.
Oh and to make things even more fun. Everyone thinks I'm upset over Olivia and not this. I'm not that upset over Olivia and that makes me feel horrible inside..
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