Shoot Me

Seriously how am I suppose to feel right now. I mean the one guy I really wanted to be with doesn't care for me. I feel like this is the gage thing all over again. Now every things going to be weird between us. Fucking great. God I just know that Holly had something to do with this. I swear on my life that she said something to him to convince him not to be with me. Granted I'm pretty sure he likes her which leaves me to wonder why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I guess i just miss the comfort of having someone that was there for me but I'm not gonna lie, I really did like him, like alot. I don't know what I'm suppose to do now. I mean. Ive been rejected by both Gage and Chris this week. My brother tried to commit suicide, I re-injured my knee. And I got fucking success netted again. This week really blows and at this point in time I can really feel a panic attack coming on. You know i really don't blame him for not  wanting to be with me. I'm fucked up, I'm obnoxious, I truly would be a horrible girlfriend. Doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt...

Relationships.

Well we all knew it would happen. Katie and Chris are getting together which is super awesome it just reminds me how much I want me and the other Chris to work out. Then again whats there to work out, were not even together. He doesn't even know that I like him. Sigh I really like helping people with there relationships and making things happen for them but I can never do that for myself. I guess Holly and Katie are going to push it for me but the fact that Holly is so willing has me worried. There is just something about that, that doesn't sit right with me. Either way, if it happens then that would be cool but if it doesn't I know I'll survive.

Shits hitting the fan

I mean maybe it is. I guess Katie's going to pursue the whole love interest thing with Chris Knight. That's cool i wish them happiness but theres already a lot of people who are really butt hurt about it either because they like him or they think it will ruin our group. I mean none of us can really make the decision for them but I do think that if they date it will change things. See with Myles and Allison its not like that and with Zeth and I its not like that because Zeths not really apart of our group. Chris and Katie are right at the front of it. I don't know i just hope it doesn't ruin things.

I guess i figured out why Gage isn't talking to me. Once again he found another girl. Go fucking figure. I actually am done this time. I don't even think I can be his friend anymore. He can fool me once but twice pretty much calls a quit for everything. You know I'm not even gonna lie, this pisses me off royally and to make matters worst I work with the damn girl. I actually like her so its not like I can really play the mean role but I can use this closeness to my advantage.

If you know me then you know I'm not the kind of girl that sits around and lets you fuck me over, no, I'm getting fucking even for everything he did to me. Theres so many ways I could go about this so I'm gonna need to plan but I assure you that it will all hit the fan on fall break. Maybe your a bit skeptical, that's OK. Just go talk to Liz, Cassie and Margret about how I ruined there lives. Ill tell you straight up front that I will be a huge bully but only if you give me reason to be. I don't intentionally like being mean but I do feel that I have the right to retaliate if you fuck me over.

Success Net

At my school we have something called success netting someone. in general getting success netted means that someone thought that there was worry or cause about you and that they thought you needed help. For example, say my dad just died, someone would fill out a form and have me success netted. All my teachers would be informed of whats going on and all the right people who will need to help me will be there. See being success netted isn't bad, but it isn't good. Once your success netted you end up pretty much being watched 24/7. I myself have been success netted 4 times. 3 of those was unknowingly. The problem in the system is sometimes you don't want or need help but other people think that you do.

What I'm getting at here is that there is a major rift in my SOL group because our supposed friend Katie is success netting us all. She has us open up our feelings to her and tell her our personal stories and then she goes and reports us. She claims to be are friend but when she leaves were just the SOL kids that she has to look after. Were like a burden to her. Honestly Katie could leave, yea it would suck but we would all still get along just fine.

I'm not trying to bash her because I do like her but its just the fact that I tell her these things in confidence. I know she thinks shes doing the right thing but she really isn't. She cant be both a SOL and a friend. She has to choose because its already causing some huge problems in our group. No one wants to hang out with a nark.

Triangles

So me and Holly had this lovely talk about all the guys in our group. There is some serious love triangles going on. Like see I like Zeth and Chris H. but am repeatedly struggling with it because of Gage. Thank god no one else likes Zeth but I know Whitney likes Chris H. and Jon. The problem with this is Chris H. and Nathan H. likes Holly and Katie but Katie likes Chris K. and some guy in Washington. Ok lets be real, we all like Chris K. but unlike my whole group I know me and him would never hook up so I play the good friend role. Whitney doesn't know that her and Chris K. would never happen because well in general Whitney doesn't even know that everyone hates her. Katie likes Chris K. which is cool until she got pissed at me for telling Chris H. anyway, I could see Katie and Chris K. hooking up for sure but that's all it would be because Chris K. actually really likes Holly. Ironically all the guys have fallen in love with the only girl that is asexual. Or is she? Last night she let it slip to me that she has a crush on Chris K. I so want to hook them up but Holly would so never go for that mainly because shes been asexual her whole life and has no way of how to even deal with that. Then you have Miles and Alison who are just in love with each other. Oh and then you have Zeth who likes Holly, Tyler A. who i think might have a girlfriend. Dilan, Jared, and Nathan W that all have girlfriends.

You know I told you the love triangles now i have to tell you about the secret hatred. So we all generally don't like Whitney except Holly. Holly hates Nathan H. We all generally don't like Drake either. Oh and we all hate Tyler Robot and my roommate. That ones really not that complicated actually.

Now I highly doubt you were able to follow the love triangle one but its ok, I struggle with it to.

And the record keeps on spinning..

I was actually planning on making this post private but whats the point, odds are ill complain about it to the world forever. To start with, these last 3 days have been horrible. Gage came this weekend and we got to hang out which was super fun, i even got to meet his foster fam. It was all good until I'm pretty sure he ditched me. See I could get over that because it was for his family. The part I cant get over is that once he left he stopped talking to me. Looks like he got what he wanted and ditched. I shouldn't be surprised to be honest. On top of all of this i have been dealing with a lot of problems at school. I guess i just need to get my head out of my ass and actually start doing thing. My panic attacks are coming back worst and worst. last night I actually had to leave Hellman because I couldn't breathe. Of course Dilan Nate and Katie came and found me and helped me out. Its nice to have people that care around. Well they took me back to Hellman and I went to Wabash with Holly Chris and Whitney. They knew i was having a horrible night so Holly stopped the car and made all of us spill our guts to each other. The best part of the night by far was the fact that we blared Journey the rest of the way home. Who knew we were all such talented singers? Anyway I just got back from math class and lets be honest, I wasn't paying attention. Instead I was thinking about how I act in relationships. I'm beginning to notice a pattern. Apparently when ever I like a guy and don't think that there is a possibility of a relationship, i tell them, examples of this are Chris K. James, Gage. Jon (I didn't exactly want that one) Brandon. And then you have the guys that i do like or did like that i never told them such as Zac, Zeth, Chris H, and Jordan (Yes of course Buzbee is included) But I do have my acceptations such as John. Not sure where he falls on my ridiculous love diagram. You know I'm beginning to wonder if i would ever be able to survive if there wasn't some stupid boy thing in my life. IM so use to there always being something going on in some way.

Its My Party

So I guess there was a bit of a change in plans, Gage is coming up tomorrow. I'm excited! It will be nice to have someone from home come see me plus I always do love giving tours. Now that he's graduated high school I know he wants to go to college. I'm just saying that maybe I might be able to put my persuasion skills to the test and get him to come here. Its a slim chance but I think it would be worth it.

So Im not sure what exactly is going on but ive heard word that my friends are planning for there to be strippers at my birthday party. Since were poor college is just so happens that every single boy in my SOL group has volunteered to do it. so far I have a police man, firefighter, harpooner, magic mike, lumber jack, a construction worker, and one kid that just likes to take his clothes off.. Lmao this is why i love college.

FIGHT

So theirs about to be a battle royal in my room. I am so sick of the temperature being at 60 all the damn time seriously me and Jessica have changed each and every time to make it warmer. Let the fight begin!

Nah im kidding, were actually getting ready to do roommate agreements tonight so I assume we will all work it out then.

In other news, Gage is coming to stay for the weekend! I am so excited, I've missed talking to him to much and I just know it will be a good time. :)

Ugh

Ugh I am just having a ratchet ass day. Like for real. My dads coming up which will be nice but its also stressing the fuck out of me which kicks in my anxiety. And when I'm having anxiety attacks I become an ass hole toward everyone. I'm not going to sit here and take all the blame though. I'm pretty sure Katie's mad at me because I went to Wabash with Holly last night instead of went out to dinner with her. I'm sorry but I don't exactly have money right now to do that kind of stuff.

I just got a job and I'm waiting on the first check so i can but the rest of my books and pay Katie back. Then I can start doing that kind of stuff. Sigh, i love college but when days like today happen I kinda just wanna take off. Too bad I cant because I'm a poor college student and don't have gas..

So Much Happening

So I am so excited for Christmas. You know I was gonna go home and enjoy the holidays with my family but now that I'm away I just never feel a reason to go back. Besides this Christmas Ive actually made some plans with Katie and were both going down to Florida to visit her grandma! I'm so excited! I love Florida and I love the beach. I mean I don't think I'm going to be down there all of winter break but I'm sure ill be there for a good week or so.

I guess here at Manchester we have this really big event called costume bingo. Its where everyone dresses up and goes to the union to play bingo. Its actually supposedly the second best event on campus. I'm pumped to go! Whitney, Holly and Katie are helping me find a costume, I'm sure this will be interesting.

Speaking of parties. Parties here at Manchester are more fun then I expected. The only problem were really having is I guess the dean is having all the big party places watched, it sucks but shit happens. Plus I swear on my grave now that I refuse to ever drink in the dorms. We've already had several people get in trouble for it.

So I don't exactly know yet how i feel about being on the hall council but I am. I mean its nice to be on the deciding board for Oakwood but there is just something about it that's sooooo boring! I guess my main job is to find out what all needs to be improved at Oakwood.

So I joined the history club with Nate and Katie. I kinda thought it was going to be super boring but I'm actually excited for it. Were planning a trip to Cedar Point which will be a blast!

I guess when Katie graduates shes moving up to Washington. The woman keeps trying to convince us all to go there for spring break. I mean its actually a good idea. I think some of us are giving it some general thought. Ive never been there so I'm sure it would be a good time.

For my spring semester of my senior year I plan on going to Chicago to get all my clinic hours in. Can you believe it? I'm going to live in Chicago for a whole semester! its exciting! The only down side is that I would be spending my last semester away from Manchester.

Me and Professor Rough? Have started the process of getting me to Greece. As far as i know I'm going my Junior year but I'm not quite sure. There is still so much stuff we have to work out and with me being a double major it definitely does not make things any easier.

You know how i told you the second most important event is the costume party? I guess the first one is Mayday! Oh I am so excited! Its the last real party on campus and I guess everyone parties hard and gets drunk. Mayday is the craziest weekend on campus, theres so many parties that you just see groups walking from party to party.

Well my last subject today is on streaking. You know i love the boys I hang out with but I'm just waiting for the day that they get caught streaking in the mall. They've done it a few times now, its only a matter of time.

College Life

I guess I'm really just surprised at how well things are going. I mean I don't like classes but then again who does? I love my new friends! Like last night we were all super bored and tired of hanging out in Oakwood so we went outside and played ultimate Frisbee in the rain. It was a blast and it truly only got better when all the guys decided they had to take there shirts off. :) I do love my SOL group a lot, a good majority of them I see as sibling while like 5 of them i just want to disown. Theres actually two boys that I think are super cute. One of them I know nothing will ever happen. The other one, well, theres potential but hes just like every guy I've ever dated, an ass. Why is it that I'm attracted to these kinds of people?

On the home front everything appears to be good.. I mean i haven't really been keeping contact with anyone back home except for Gage. We actually plan on hanging out when i get home which would be nice. I really miss him. So I've been getting letters from everyone which I love, and I'm actually doing a good job at writing back. its just the sending part that i keep forgetting..

Moving Forward

Well to say the least I never really thought that i would be so okay with being away from Logansport. i always thought that it would be my home but to be honest it doesn't even feel like my home anymore. yea there are still people there that I miss but if i sit here and think about what I'm leaving all the time then i will never see what Ive gained. I'll never enjoy my new Friends and all the fun that we have.

I was actually planning on coming home on fall break but now that me and Jon are completely over i don't think I'm going to. I think I might actually go to Katie's Aunts and her grandmas instead. I think Holly might join us which would be pretty cool, i absolutely love that girl!

I dont want people to think that I'm leaving my home and all my Friends behind but its not like i can go and be there every second of the day like i use to be able to. I do plan on coming home maybe in a few weeks though. I was telling some of my friends about the Shindig and they all seem pretty interested in it so we might go hit that up.

In other news my only problem right now is that I'm just trying to find a job. I've applied everywhere so hopefully I get the job somewhere!

Life so Far

Well to be honest right now im procrastinationg really bad because i dont wan to read my king arthur book. But i also figured that i would give you a little bit of a catch up.

Ive been doing alright in my classes. I actually only hate my FYS class. I mean dont get me wrong i love my SOL group but i hate that class, it is sooooo stupid. Other then that Ive been hanging out with a lot of my friends. I think im gonna join MAC so i can maybe make some more friends but i think i wanna talk to some upper classmen to get there take on it.

The last few nights have been a mix of parties, card games, and homework. Its not to bad but i do miss my home sometimes. i miss my privacy and I miss Jon. Speaking of Jon, yea we broke up but after some deep thought i decided to give him a second chance. I havent really told anyone yet but im sure when i do they will all have a lot to say, oh well, dont care.

My number one thing right now is that i am trying to get me a job, if i dont have money then i cant come home, so i need a job.