A bigger picture

You know normally I go through this faze where after a guy dismisses me I try to analyze every possible thing that happened in the relationship and where exactly i messed up. This time I kinda feel like its a bit different.

I mean theres a knowing fact that I know Gage and Deanna aren't going to last and that I will be here when he comes back. Theres also the concept that for some reason I know Gage will be apart of my life. i know that sounds totally cray but Ive thought that since I was a freshman in freaking high school. That's probably why Ive never been nervous around him. I just know that some how, some way me and him will be apart of each others life's. I mean It might not be in a relationship, i might just be his close friend, and it might not be right now but it will happen.

God I cant get over how crazy I'm sounding. I need to go talk to him. He needs to know that i want to be his friend but in order for me to do that i need to take some time and get over him, who knew id actually fall for him? Either way, hes still a great guy and i know that with time me and him could so rock the friend status, but for now i need some TLC in the Gage and Amanda separation department.

I think the main part of this though is that when I mention it all to Gage I'm really hoping that he wont just dismiss me and be on his way. Dude we should so be friends! We have way to much in common for him to think that theres nothing there. Maybe in the long run we can build a big brother little sister relationship. That would be kinda cool but first I would have to get over the concept that I like and slept with my brother... ewww.

Either way I'm not going to dwell, I'm gonna look at this whole situation with a positive out look and hope for the best.

I'm gonna stab a bitch

God I knew this would happen. I mean I saw the warning signs and everything so I should of been prepared when he told me that he like someone else. To be honest I was actually pretty good when he told me the news. Or at least I was untill he told me that the other person was the one fucking person that I hate in this world. Seriously what the hell is up with that girl!? She sneaks into my life and messes with every fucking guy that I date or like.

Everyone thinks she so innocent and im sure shes super nice to all the guys but seriously if youve ever seen her around a girl she becomes a catty bitch. I know i have no room to talk but I wont hate anyone unless they do something to me first. I know I slept with her boyfriend but I only did that after I saw all the mean and hateful things that she was saying about me.

What ever I know this will so get to me but I am so over talking about it. Me and Gage are still going to be friends of course but first I need to get over my feelings of disgust in him right now. What makes me mad the most is that he looked me right in the eye and told me "shes just a friend"... they all fucking say that. Ugh!

ABC's

These are actually pretty cute.

Blue: What song do you listen to when you're feeling down?
Goodbye by Miley Cyrus. I know its lame but I love that song

Cup: Do you drink Tea or Coffee?
Coffee!

English: How many languages can you speak?
Two, French and English

Fear: Tell us three fears.
People touching my face, feet, Semi Trucks

Game: What was the last board game you played?
Life? I dont know

Harry Potter: What was the last book you read?
A house of Night. I think the 10th one

Injury: Have you ever walked into a glass door?
... At wal-mart..

Jump: Do five jumping jacks/star jump.
No! you cant make me

Kiss: Who's your biggest celebrity crush?
Neil Westfall. God I want that man

Love: Do you believe in marriage?
Of course, its just the concept of relationships that gets me

Money: What would you do with 1 million dollars?
Save it in the bank, and pay for my college

Naughty: Tell us three things that your parents disapprove of?
Me spending money, my friends, my priorities

Oops: What is one thing you'd like to change/fix?
I wish I was a lesbian, then I wouldnt have to deal with guys, sadly, I like dick

Quality: Name three of your favourite blogs.
Ally Carter, Sierras, Rick Riordans

Rapunzel: Name three Disney movies that you adore.
Peter Pan, Tangled, Mulan

Star-sign: When's your birthday?
October 7 1994

Teacher: What do you aspire to be?
A Social Worker

Unite: Do you sponsor a cause?
Im a major supporter of Gay rights

Varsity: Do you play/watch sport?
I play volleyball but I watch football

Xylophone: Do you play an instrument?
Saxaphone and Piano

Yellow: What's your favourite colour?
Purple and Silver

Zoo: What is your favourite animal?
Giraffe

The Body

Tell me about your body.

Hair: What hair color looks best on you and what's your natural color?
Well i like Auburn but everyone says blonde which is my natural color

Skin: Do you tan easily?
I burn then tan

Eyes: What is your favorite show to watch?
I will always be in love with Greek. Cappy is to amazing

Nose: What is your favorite perfume/candle fragrance?
Vanilla, Cinnamon, or Japenese Cherry Blossom

Mouth: Do you want to kiss anyone right now?
I have for a while now

Tongue: What was in your last meal?
Cookie Dough

Windpipe: Do you sing?
Way tooo much!

Neck: Do you wear necklaces?
Just one

Ears: How many piercings do you have (if any)?
12, 13 counting my nose

Cheeks: Do you blush easily?
Sadly yes

Wrists: Have you ever broken a bone?
No just ripped Muscles

Hands: Are you an artist/writer?
I draw and write a lot

Fingers: Do you play an instrument?
I can play saxaphone and piano

Heart: Are you in love? If so, does the one you love know?
I wouldnt call it love but it could happen

Lungs: Do you smoke cigarettes?
Nope

Chest: Are your maternal/parental instincts strong?
Im starting to realize that they are

Stomach: Do you feel confident in your body image?
If I could walk around naked I would

Back: Are you a virgin?
Nope

Hips: Do you like to dance?
Im the best dancer you will ever meet!

Thighs: Has anyone ever called you fat or ugly?
It happens

Knees: Have you ever cheated on someone?
nopppe

Ankles: Have you ever been arrested?
Lmao Dont even get me started on that one

Feet: Favorite pair of shoes?
My neon sneakers

Very Bored soooo...

50 questions, 50 ways to get to know me.

1: What would you name your future daughter?
Lexi, Emma, I dont really know

2: Do you miss anyone?
I feel like I always do these days

3: What if I told you that you were pretty?
Id think you want soemthing

4: Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?
No. I wouldnt accept that

5: What are you looking forward to in the next week?
Warped Tour!!!

6: Did you go out or stay in last night?
Stay in, story of my life

7: How late did you stay up last night?
till like midnight

8: Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months?
Haha yess

9: What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon?
I think I might of been in Kokomo

10: Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it?
No. I wont say it unless i mean it

11: Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?
yea, easily

12: Have you pretended to like someone?
Not that I can think of

13: Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
Yepp, I dont smoke as it is

14: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?
No real consistant ones

15: Is it hard for you to get over someone?
Oh extremely.

16: Think back five months ago, were you single?
actually no.. hmm theres a first

17: Have you ever cried from being so mad?
Yepp

18: Hold hands with anyone this week?
Well sorta

19: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?
Indeed it did not

20: Who did you last see in person?
My mother

21: What is the last thing you said out lot?
Scouts a girl

22: Have you kissed three or more people in one night?
Nope

23: Have you ever been to Paris?
Sigh I was suppose to go in January

24: Are you good at hiding your feelings?
Oh yea, Hell ive gotten this far

25: Do you use chap stick?
Yes and I lose it all the time

26: Who did you last share a bed with?
Probably Sierra

27: Are you listening to music right now?
Yess, dubstep

28: What is something you currently want right now?
A tattoo... soooooo bad!!

29: Were your last three kisses from the same person?
No my grandma was in there somewhere

30: How is your heart lately?
Confused

31: Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?
If im cold or its raining

32: When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you?
Monday

33: What do people call you?
Amanda, or my friends call me Mader

34: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t?
I feel like thats always the case latley

35: Are there any stressful situations in your life?
Yea. Life.

36: What are you listening to right now?
Big Bang Theory

37: What is wrong with you right now?
Im coughing a lot

38: Love really is a beautiful thing huh?
I tend to like it

39: Do you make wishes at 11:11?
Nope

40: What is on your wrists right now?
Nothing

41: Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused/waiting for the unexpected?
Single, Confused, Waiting for the expected

42: Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing?
Hot Topic

43: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?
Everyday since it happened

44: Have you hugged someone within the last week?
mmhmm

45: Have you kissed anyone in the last five days?
yess

46: What were you doing at midnight last night?
Playing video games, no im not lame

47: Do you miss the way things were six months ago?
Yes I was super happy and felt loved but no everything i knew was built on lies

48: Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?
With someone else

49: Have you ever been to New York?
No  but i want tooo

50: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?
No

Vague but True

sigh I don't like making people mad but whats the point with me doing something if it doesn't make me happy like it should. All i can say is there are now other things i like to do and when ever i mention doing that instead i get my head bitten off and get made fun. Just because it doesn't cater to you demanded schedule doesn't mean you need to give me a hard time about it. That's defiantly a way to make sure i want to hang out.

I know that I'm being very vague but i just don't want to start anything or get in any fights, Its just not worth dealing with.

Tattoos!

I'm slowly making my tattoo sleeve!

You need to know more about me.

Questions I may or may not want to be asked:

1. What can you see that is blue besides your tumblr dashboard?

My cup

2. What have you eaten today?

Pizza from gambinos

3. What is your favorite food?

Cream cheese... Wait is that considered. Food?

4. What is your favorite color?

Purple

5. What is your least favorite color?

Hmm I guess green

6. Who was your last kiss with? 

Gage

Was it pleasant?

We'll I enjoyed it. 

7. What color shoes did you last wear?

Green flip flops

8. What is your biggest vice?

My inability to accept affection without question

9. Who has made you laugh the hardest in the last week?

Gage? Maybe I don't keep track of my laughter

10. What is your favorite scent?

Vanilla. Or cherry blossom. It's a toss up

11. What is your occupation? Do you enjoy it?

Activity aid at Camelot. It has it's ups and downs. 

12. What is your favorite season? Why?
Fall. I love the mixture of warmth and color

13. Can you do a handstand or cartwheel?
Omg yes! I use to do them at school all the time!

14. What color are your nails?
Well one of them is blue

15. If you had to get a tattoo on your face to save your life, what would it be?
Probably a tattoo of Nyx from A house of night

16. Describe your bedroom.
Cluster fuck

17. What is something you find romantic?
When someone goes out of there way to make you happy

18. On average, how many hours per day do you spend on your computer?
Like one if that, I'm always on my phone

19. Are you happy?
Content, some what stressed

20. Is there anything in particular making you happy or sad?
Its not necessarily that I'm either of those, its more like anxiety

21. Dogs or Cats?
Cats... or big dogs, little dogs freak me the fuck out!

22. Which do you prefer: a museum, a night club, the forest or a library?
Library, total nerd I know

23. What is your style?
I changes with my mood

24. If you could be doing anything you like right now, what would it be?
I just want to be back home sitting by the river

25. Who is the closest person to you?
My Momma

26. What is the best movie you have ever seen?
Oh god don't even ask me that. I'm a movie buff theres to many!

27. Are you in a relationship or single?
For now single. I'm kinda hoping not for long though..

28. What makes you attracted to the person you like right now?
His humor, His out look on life. Intelligence. His strength to overcome

29. If you could replace your partner/best friend with a celebrity of your choice, would you?
I'm kinda feeling like Jeremy Stumpner and me could get along.. or Neil Westfall

30. What is something most people don't know about you?
I have anxiety really bad

31. Are you holding on to something you need to let go of?
I don't think i need to let go of them but apparently everyone else does

32. How did you celebrate last Halloween?
That was so long ago.. I think i worked?

33. Have you recently made any big decisions?
I finally chose my classes for college. Does that count?

34. Name three things that you and the person asking you this question have in common.
Who's asking me this question?

35. Were you ever in a school play?
Yesss. They were bad ass musicals!

36. What movie would you use to describe your ideal life?
its like a mash up of Elvis and Annabell, Knight and Day, Zombieland, with a hint of Mortal Instruments

37. Is there something you have dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
I just want to take off on a trip, I'm poor

38. Complete this sentence, "I wish I had someone with whom I could share..."
My deepest secrets

39. If you could invent a new flavor of ice cream, what would it be?
do they have carrot ice cream?

40. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
Goodbyes, Leaving, you know all that depressing shit

41. Who is a famous person you have been compared to?
Bitch i am famous!

42. What are two things that irritate you about the same sex?
Two faced, gossiping double crossing bitches.. nuff said

43. What are two things that irritate you about the opposite sex?
I don't know what the hell there thinking!! A majority of them screw you over!

44. What is the best thing that has happened to you this week?
I signed up for my Sociology class. SO EXCITED!!!

45. What is something that makes you sad when you think about it?
High School graduation

46. Would you rather be stranded on a desert island with someone you love for ten years, or someone you hate for one month?
Hmm honestly someone I hate. That would be interesting

47. How long was your longest relationship?
like a year and a half

48. Have you ever been in love?
Mmmhmmm

49. Are you currently in love?
Well there will always be people I love

50. Why did your last relationship end?
He couldn't accept the fact that I don't believe in god and wasn't going to change for his mom

51. Would you rather live in a castle or a spaceship?
Castle. 

52. What jewelry are you wearing right now, and where did you get it?
Class ring, Store? Necklace, Great grandma.

53. Name three things physically which attracted you to your current crush.
Hes muscular, hes got tattoos, is it weird to say that he has hygiene?

54. Is there something you have been keeping a secret?
always

55. When was the last time you cried and why?
Graduation.. well umm disappointment is the best way to sum it up

56. Name someone pretty.
She'd probably dent it but Mariah. I love her hair and her eyes!

57. Do you have an ex who's name starts with a "J"?
Yepp

58. What did you receive last Valentines Day?
My mommy got me chocolates!... Is that lame?

59. Do you get jealous easily?
I say I don't but hell yea I do. I just don't do anything about it

60. Do you believe in the phrase, "If its meant to be, it will be?"
I just wrote a blog post about that..

61. Have you ever cheated on someone?
Noo but Ive been the cheateee.. i think that what its called

62. Have you ever been cheated on?
Yea in like every relationship!

63. Do you trust your partner/best friend?
Sometimes. I try to but I over think things to much.

64. What is something you should be doing right now? Go do it.
Nothing actually.

Relationships

I guess I'm just not sure how to handle everything as I go through this transition from high school to college. I'm not sure if I'm being stupid by getting involved in a relationship or if I'm just being dumb about holding on to attachments. I guess I'm corny when it comes to relationships. I feel that if they were meant to last then they will.

I guess what I'm getting at is that if i want to keep any of my friendships or other relationships then i will. I'm not going to push it and make something last that wasn't meant to.

DTR? Maybe/

I don't know where i stand with gage and to be honest I'm not sure i want to. I kinda like this whole bliss of not knowing kind of thing and i just don't want to DTR and ruin anything. I mean i will be honest this is a part of me that wants to know if I should just move on or if I should stick around.

Is there a beacon that goes off when  I get serious with a guy? Seriously like all of my Exs and all the guys I use to talk to are always texting me and asking me to hang out. A lot of the time I say no because i know it will lead to something else and I soo don't want that.

I'm happy with where i stand right now. I just hope that things will become more clear before i leave for college. Gage is just so cryptic sometimes that I'm not sure what hes thinking most of the time. Oh well I'm not going to get caught up in it!

An Irrational Friendship.

So me and a friend were talking about my friendships with other people. Who kinda made me realize that I can be really catty and just down right unattractive. At first I thought nothing of it but then as the day when on kinda realized that that was the exact opposite of what I wanted people to think of me. I love my best friend to the point where we are practically sister. By this I mean we don't act like best friends we act like sisters and by the end of the day we might of screamed and fought but we know we will always love each other. Maybe she was slightly right when she said that I don't hang out with her as much when I have guys in my life but I didn't realize that till today. I blew off my plans with Gage and everything only for her to blow off her plans with me. I'm partially disappointed but I guess what comes around goes around. My friends come before anyone else in my life and she will always be one of the most important people to me. She was there when everyone left me. She's had my back since day one. We might fight but that's just how we work and I wouldn't change it for anything in the world. 

My boy struggle

Of course it was to be expected that I would get caught up in a guy. I mean I never blew off my friends or anything I just let him get so twisted into my mind that it gave me anxiety. Yea no I'm not gonna let that happen. Me and my mom had a nice little talk. The outcome of which has set me in the spot I'm at now where I'm going to continue to hang out with Gage but I'm not going to force it.

Let it be said though that I do kinda feel like i put in more effort then he does when it comes to planning when and where were going to hang out. I don't want that. Things have to be equal for us. So I'm going to lay off a bit. Its his move now .

Hopefully I can figure out this whole balance thing when it comes to boys. Ive yet to master the in between effect you get between not caring and caring to much. Its my own personal struggle.

On top of all this I still have David Daniel John and James all breathing down my throat asking me to hang out. James being more persistent then most. I dont care I'm not going to ruin whats happening right now.

This and that

So I went to a water park with my friends today. I loved it granted I almost drowned twice and my eyes were being really weird and i couldn't see right. Other then that it was great. I got burnt tho and my body has weird tan lines..

So Gage is coming over for dinner with the family this weekend. It will be nice for them to meet and actually have a conversation. My mom has already talked to him a bit and she absolutely adores him. This is working out better then i thought. :)

Stupid

In general this is just me complaining. All i needed was my updated transcript from parchment and apparently  Logansport High School couldn't even do that! Seriously I just requested a new one which Ive done this 3 times now and each time it worked but apparently they cant do it a fourth time cause they suck. I got an email from parchment telling me that they wont transfer my transcript to parchment so i can send it to Manchester so there just going to send it to me in the mail which means i have to send it to Manchester myself. I mean theres nothing hard about sending it in the mail but its just another stupid step. Sigh.

Possible Affairs

To say things have taken a turn for the unexpected is a bit of an understatement. I've been mentally preparing myself for college and moving out of my moms house for awhile. I had no idea that something was going to happen that would actually make me want to stay. I mean don't get me wrong, no matter what happens I'm going to college but now i actually wouldn't mind coming back to visit home a bit more.

So me and this guy gage are actually getting pretty close. The only thing that sucks is that i have like literally no support from any of my friends. They all seem to dislike him which is there own thing. I'm a grown women and can make my own decisions. I just wish I had the stable backing of my friends.

Hes just so amazing. Ive known him since 3rd grade and Ive always thought he was quiet smart. It doesn't show in school but he truly is. Hes funny and easy to talk to. He understands me and doesn't judge me for the things that everyone else does. I absolutely adore his adopted family. Theres just something about him and the passion that he holds towards certain things and subjects that makes me so interested in him..

Ok I'm done with the whole gross girly talk thing but in the end I'm really keeping my fingers crossed that i can get things to work out. my usual obtuse ways of going about a relationship hopefully wont mess this one up but knowing my luck with guys it probably will. Hes different though so maybe it will...

Boy nonsense

So there's this guy that I'm talking to and he's someone I've known since I was little. We will always be friends and things have always been easy and effortless. As if recent he's told me he likes me and wants to be with me. I so love this kid but not like that.. I don't to Hurt him because nothing will ever be the same again. Sigh. I guess there's no way around it but to hurt him... Time to rip the band aid off. 

Scout

So yea we got a new kitten named scout. Don't get me wrong, i love the damn thing but oh my freaking god I'm going to kill it!

It keeps  eating my shoes and wires on everything and I'm pretty sure hes going to kill himself by suffocating himself in a plastic bag....yea...

Expectations

You know i don't know what I'm wanting from people. I don't want there sympathy but then again i don't want to be a bitch and not care about anything like a certain ex friend who hated everything! I want a happy life but maybe i just expect to much from people or maybe not... I just don't know. I just feel like no one really cares about how i feel or what I want. Aren't my friends and family suppose to be there for me or have i not expressed enough distress for them yet. Its always a push-pull kind of thing and i feel like i never get it right.

Moving Forward

You know I'm not quite sure what I'm suppose to do this summer. this is suppose to be the last summer of my life and I'm suppose to go crazy but to be honest i really don't want to. I just want to get away..

I have yet to break the news to my mom about how I'm going to live the remainder of my summer out at my dads but i have a feeling shes not going to take it to well. I just need a new environment. Here i was the whole time stimulating that i needed new people in my life but to be honest i thinks its also the environment. I will not lie. I love all the people that are in my life but i just feel like they take me for granted. A lot of the time they only talk to me when they want something or when there bored. I'm not going to deal with that anymore.

I was just going to head out in September when i went to college but i think i get when no one wants me around so I'm going to go head up to russiaville and hang out with some friends there. I don't think ill be there the whole summer but i want to be there long enough that I've had time to re-evaluate my life.

I hate thinking about it but my life has changed again like it did sophomore year but this time i want to be ready for it and have more control over what happens. I'm about to leave for college and that will be the next four years of my life. Am i seriously going to live it worrying about the past or worrying about people who don't care about me? I don't think so!

There is that slight chance that the people I'm getting away from have no idea what there doing and maybe i am being a bit rash but isn't there a saying that says you don't know what you've lost till its gone? well I'm not leaving permanently and if they want to stay in my life then there going to have to put in the effort that Ive been putting in. This isn't a one way street.

I just time for some deep thinking and i think the best place to do that is in a quiet relaxing environment, surrounded by people who actually care.

Life as we know it.

I've come to realize that I'm a lot more open about my life then alot of the people around me are. Ill share embarrassing pictures and tell

Stupid stories while not having a care  in the world. I guess I'm just kind of In the mind set of not caring what others think of me. I just want to be me and be happy. Yea I get that being me is a bit weird and that might be why a lot of people question me and undermined me but in the end I know I'm happy living with no regrets or nothing holding me back. I live with no lies and that's probably why I feel so free. Nothing's weighing down on me. 

Crazy Stuff

Its so hard for me to believe that I am finally out of high school. Its just so unreal. Yesterday was my graduation which was good until the ending where of course I has a bunch of family crap happen. no surprise there. My grad party went really good. I got to see a lot of old family and friends which is nice. i finally have enough for a car but now i need to get off my but and actually go look for one. Ill get around to it I'm sure.

I don't know I'm just pleasantly surprised in my dad. yesterday when everyone was giving my crap he was the only one that was there for me. It kind of makes me re-evaluate things and i feel like i might go out and stay at his house a bit more this summer. I wouldn't mind hanging out with Justin and Ryan some more. I just need new faces and i refuse to stay in this house for the whole summer.

For now though i feel like I'm dying inside. I am soo freaking sick that i just don't know what to do with myself. My head hurts and according to my mom this is going to last for about a week. On top of all that i keep sneezing so far I've sneezed 13 times today (yes I'm keeping track)

So tomorrow I'm going car shopping with my dad and then Wednesday I'm doing paper work for the theatre, i have to work Thursday, and Friday I'm gonna go into a coma till Sunday. Sounds productive i know :)