It happens

So I'm coming to the conclusion that sierra just went out of her way to view my blog just so that she could see if I write about her. It's what ever I guess. She can yell at me all she wants in a public forum but that doesn't mean Ill listen. For her benefit thought not only did I make my already privatized blog more private, I made it so not even she was allowed to view it. I thought she understood how I was when I wrote and that I did it as a way to vent but I guess not. We've both changed and we've both gone separate ways. Am I upset? Maybe with somethings I might be but If were both seeing things in a different way then it's better off that were not friends then rather us fight all the time. I don't plan on keeping my blog private forever but for a little bit I will. Just appeasing the crowds.

Summers A Peach

Well maybe not a peach but a real pain in my ass.

Where to start. Hmm maybe with the fact that Dylan has decided to ditch me for next year and now I'm not really sure what I'm going to do now that I'm left alone.

Then there is the new revelation of my friends. Sierras even more of a bitch that you cant hold a conversation with. Your not allowed to have an opinion or make a statement without her blowing up on you.

Then there's Buzbee who keeps claiming that he's changed a lot and you know he's right he has but not as much as he thinks. I've just been having problems coming to terms with the fact that he's changed I guess.

Oh You Know

Oh hey. Its me

So a lots happened of course. My mom and me are umm not the same. I believe I told her to "go fuck herself" Egh it happens.

I also told buzbee that I dont love him anymore. Its killing me a little bit but it needed to happen.

Controversy Set Right

Do you think that gay marriage should be legal?
Of course
Do you think that gays should be allowed to seve in the military?
Why not? There just as capable
What do you think about people who don't believe in god?
Good for you. Glad you made your own decisions.
Are you pro life or pro choice?
Pro choice. Do what you want with that babe
Do you think we should test on animals?
Yes, to an extent
How do you feel about illegal immigration?
Its what evs. Just dont take my job.
Do you think it is ethical to do stem cell research?
DAFUQ is dat?
Should be get rid of the death penalty?
Noooooo firing squads all around!
Is torture ever acceptable?
If your gonna kill them in the end might as well
Should the government have a say on our diets?
Oh yea! Make the kids run!
Should the alcoholic drinking age be increased or decreased?
Decreased. If we can fight for are country we should be allowed to drink
Should cigarette smoking be banned?
Nah. Tobbacco brings in to much money for the country. Plus ppl are happy

Stay Gucci

Well once again its been a bit of time since I've posted anything. Things have been a bit of a roller coaster but nothing to bad. School has officially let out and that depresses me more then it really should. I'm actually suppose to go home today but I'm spending an extra night at Dylans. I'm just not ready yet. Theres been a lot of crazy boy drama in my life.

Gage has been texting my and informed me that when we drink together that if anything happens, I cant tell his girlfriend. HA! like anythings ever gonna happen!

Jordan and me drank together the other night which was fun until he felt me up and kissed me. Not saying I didn't mind but he has a girlfriend and that kinda kills me inside. Worst of all is that I realized that I'm still in love with him so theres that..

Eric just happens to be my new boyfriend. Hes ginger and 25. Has two degrees and I like him a lot but not as much as I like Buzbee.

Hunter is hunter. I feel slightly bad because right after the Jordan thing and right before me and eric got together I kinda slept with him. First time we had sex and it was actually good tho so theres that.

The there's Dylan. I have never met someone who means so much to me and someone who I've fallen for so hard. He really is different from everyone else. I am however I think finally getting over him. I need time and space!

Things are pretty solid with everyone. Nate and Holly are together now which is weird as all hell. Allison and Myles are Gucci. Nate broke up with his gal which made him sassy as heck. Dylan found a lady friend named Hannah which is causing not only him great distress but everyone around him as well. Eugene is Eugene. Our dear Jared is leaving us and then theres me, I'm just doing my thing.

I quit my job at the DG and hopefully have a job for next year as the media consultant for the athletics department. I also got a job as a SOL which is pretty rad.

Life is good

Domino Effect?

I hate when I let other peoples moods effect my own. If one person that I'm hanging out with is sad then I'll be upset. Like right now Dylans upset about god only knows what, which has me upset, which then makes me think of all the things that upsets me and it then induces my anxiety. I hate that one or two people can have the much of an effect on me. Am I that weak and narrow minded? I'm sure like most thing this too will pass but for now I will sit here in my silent depression caused by the sorrows of only one person.

Life Man

I guess the easiest way to put it is that today didn't turn out exactly as I had planned it. I was suppose to go see Olivia today and I had even went all the way to Logansport to do it. Surprise surprise. I didn't get to see her. Instead I sat in a car with Mark the whole time listening to him complain about my mother and me counseling him on how to better there relationship. In the end I argued with my mom like I normally do and I had her and my grandma take me back to Manchester. Is it weird that just entering Logansport alone gave me anxiety that never let up until I got back to Manchester. I just cant believe that i hate it so much there now. Oh well I guess I'll have to get over it. The school year is almost over. I guess I should probably get back to my homework if I expect to be able to come back here next year.

Family 4 Sail

Am I allowed to sell my family on ebay? What about craigs list? Once again I am facing the wrath of my mother and the ignorance of my father. Andrews coming into town and my dads life is all about him. I pissed my mom off and I guess as a way to get back at me is by keeping me away from Olivia. My dads in the process of seeing what he can do to fix the situation but in all honesty I'm not holding my breath!

Transition Time

I'm kinda in a mind set of stopping this blog and once again starting a new one.  Will I actually do it? I don't know. I think my life has moved on from what this blog started out to be. I feel like everything's so much different now and the things that once meant the world to me now don't mean anything. It's hard to think that once upon a time ago I wanted to stay in Logan or somewhere close to be near family. Now I know for a fact that I'm leaving and I think I'm gonna move to Cinci.

My dad once told me that once I got to college everything would change. Its not that I didn't believe him or anything but I guess I didn't expect things to change as much as they did. I have friends here that I have only known for 8 months and I feel like I've known them for my whole life. I love them all so much and could never imagine my life without any of them.

It makes me slightly sad to know that I'm leaving a life that I once cherished so much behind. I had so many fond memories with so many people and its not like I'm going to stop being friends with people or stop doing things I use to do, its just now they don't mean as much to me or I don't find it as much fun as I use to.

Life does move on and change. I'm in one of those transitional phases I guess. Only time will tell will tell where I end up.

Normal is good

Things are back to normal and to be honest I'm glad. I'm glad to be back in Manchester with my friends and I have made it my mission to try harder in all my classes so that I can actually come back next year! I quit my job an Dollar General and could not be happier. It was just way to much stress in my life. I've decided that I'm going to live with my father this summer. The concept that I can't even have one phone call with my mother without fighting is just sad. Theres no way that I could live with her.

I'm beginning to come to terms with the fact that I'm officially an adult which mean It's time I start making my own decisions. For awhile now I have been wanting to move out of Indiana. The more I talk to Dylan that more I think i'll actually do it. Theres just nothing here for me and I can't help but get the constant despair out of the back of my mind when I think about staying here. I don't know. I have a few years left to decide.

For now though I'm outta here. Gotta go to lunch and then class.

Good Time

Life's been going pretty good lately. I guess until lately I never realized how much my family has my back, well, at least most of them do. i'm not gonna hold out on my mom or anything but then again I'm not gonna blame her for not being able to help me out, its not her fault. In the long run I made my goal for my Alabama trip with Sierra and Billy and as of recent I just found out that I get to see the Ocean! I am beyond excited for this trip. I don't even think that I'm to worried to go drive on the interstate anymore. Well I'm off for now. I'm trying to fix and defrag my grandmas computer. Wish me luck!

Update

It's been awhile since I've done a great update of my life on here. To start with, I finally got my knee surgery scheduled and I'm finally getting it fixed. Only bad part is that it is at the beginning of summer which means I won't be able to get a job for a while. Speaking of jobs. I plan on quitting mine. It's to much stress and it's really making it hard for me to do school. The thought of me not going to manchester next year makes me want to cry. I just can't even imagine it. For now though I'm on spring break and I'm about to go to Alabama with Sierra, billy and Billy's sister. This will be interesting I'm sure. I've been helping my grandma out for some extra money and I'm gonna get some from my dad. Hopefully I have enough but to be honest my biggest fear of this trip is that I have to drive on the interstate. Life's been pretty good. Dylan and have been pretty close lately and I absolutely love it. He is seriously one of a kind. 

Life

Upon filling out a survey for my school I answered a question with the normal boring approach that one does when doing stupid school surveys. The more I wrote though, the more I realized that I was being real for once.


"Life before college did not prepare me for this. I am hugely overwhelmed and at the current moment don't have any idea what I'm going to do. I can't decide if its this school or if college in general is just not meant for me. I like everything this school offers me but it takes away so much more then it gives. I've lost some freedom that I once had and as to be expected, a bit of my sanity. I'm a person in question when it comes to dealing with so many different aspects of my life."


Life lately has just put me through a lot and I'm overwhelmed but for once I'm taking it all in stride and trying to not let my anxiety get in the way. I guess I'm just coming to the understanding of how I'm going to have to deal with Stress and problems in my life now that I have such bad anxiety and depression.


Like most things in life, I am learning to live, accept and work with what I've been given.

Post-Crazy

Well that party I was telling you about happened. It was insane. Actually that whole night was kinda insane. I shaved Chris's head and then went and smoked cigars with Nate Holly and Chris. We dropped Nate off and grabbed Hunter and went blazing. Yea that's right, we took Hunter! That was interesting. After we dropped Holly off me and Chris hung out for an Hour until the party started. After we went to the party. Nothing like hanging out with a bunch of drunk people to help get your priority straight. When I said I was going hard I meant it. I cleaned off a whole bottle of Vodka by myself and had like 7 shots of a bunch of other stuff.

 I tried to hang with Chris so he wasn't so awkward but I wanted to have some fun. Eventually I left and went to another party down the street and partied there. When I came back Chris had ditched so I hung out with Whittney and Hunter all night. I do think now though that I no longer care for Chris and Hunter in the same way. I don't know maybe its just the alchol that made me see them differently but I just don't feel as into them as I once was.

Anyway I walked back to my room drunk off my ass. Kicked my roommates boyfriend out, took a shower, threw up and then went to bed. Sooo yea it was fun.

Turnt up

I'm going to continue on with my talk about how this is the final Hoorah! Tonight Me and some friends are all going over to Miami and Bond for this HUGE party. I'm so pumped for it because not only will Chris be there but so will Hunter and a ton of other guys. I'm getting drunk and blazin all night. Fuck everything!

Final Decision

I've come tot the conclusion that I know what needs to be done. I have to distance myself from him and just the thought of having to do it makes me want to cry. I never knew it was possible to fall for a guy so hard. Yea I've had boyfriends and guys I've liked in my past but not like this. I feel like a little kid claiming that I'm in love. Bleh! I like him a lot and I think the concept that I live with him and see him 24/7 makes it so much harder. I'm claiming tonight as are last hoorah! I'm just really hoping that my friends dont think i'm ditching them because of this.

Done Trying to Stop It

We've been through it over and over. I've said it again and again but I guess I'm just tired of trying to fight it all. Like I can sit here and say that I'm going to try and get over him but that's not happening. Hes something I cant have and we all know how I love to go after things I can't have. It's so much more then that. Theres a silent competition that's gone on between me and Holly now over him. I don't know I wish I could just get over him but we all know that's not going to happen so I'm just gonna live with it.

Emotionally Conflicted

I'm to emotionally compromised to effectively give an good statement on how my lives been going. I'm sure on the outside it looks like I have my shit together. Assistant manager at the DG while also being a full time student, and actually achieving highly at both. I'm getting along well with my family (minus Andrew of course). I've got friends that do nothing but make me laugh all the time. Its a good mask. A really good one.. Sometimes almost too good.

I hate when I get in these emotional states. I'm sure it just an add on to my friends on how emotionally damaged I am. From the outside my friends see me as the sloot girl with a fucked up family and an emotional block. Probably an attention seeking, "daft cunt" (as in the word of Chris Hartman). That's not who I want to be. I cant begin to stress how much I wish I wasn't the way I was. I wish I could be like Nate and Holly and be okay with acting ridiculous, I wish I could sing and dance like a crazy person in front of my friends here. Theres so much I wish I was able to do but I guess the easiest thing to say is that I'm insecure.

There once was a time when I really didn't care what others thought of me. I did, and acted however I saw fit and I'm sure my Logan Friends would agree. I came to Manchester and lost all of that. I cant help but feel intimidated by all the supremacy here. I'm merely a bug on the radar of people I don't know.

The worst thing about all these emotional blows I feel is that it makes me think of the should ofs. We can start along the lines of I should of never chose a school based off of my dad. I should of never let John and Gage back into my life to continue there streak of hurt and wreckage. I should of been myself from the beginning... I could go on with this for days. You'd think my list of wishes would be growing now that I'm on my own but to be honest I'm beginning to give up my dreams.. I don't want to be in college. I don't want to be anything of important circumstances. I don't even think i want to go abroad anymore and to be honest that the one that scares me the most. I tell everyone that I came to Manchester because I loved the school, which I wasn't lying, but I also came here for the study abroad program. Now that I don't think I want to do it anymore I can help but wonder why the hell I'm still here.

The loneliness is the worst part. The closest relationship I ever had with a guy was with John. I know I shrug him off like he's no big deal but he is a huge deal. I'm not In love with John and to be honest I don't really like him. I'm in love with what I had with John. All the long nights up talking and laughing. The road trips through the country. Fishing in the sand by the river.. The moments when I would catch him staring at me and he would tell me how beautiful I was...

God it hurts to think that I don't have that and the only person i want it from wants it from someone else. This is what I mean when i say emotionally compromised. What am I suppose to do? All I can figure is that I continue on with my life continuing with the feeling of emotional distress. Every time I see him my heart races, every time he looks at me I swear I'll go red. When he touches me I shiver.. and then it all crashes down when he talks about her. When he mentions how much he doesn't like me. Sometimes even when he ignores me. I always fall for the wrong person and I guess every time it is different so Its not like I'm allowed to sit here and claim this one as different. He's just... the opposite of everyone Ive ever liked or cared about. I normally have a consistency in who I like but not this time, this time I can honestly say hes different..

My emotional conflictions will continue to rage on and I'm sure with due time I will be back to write again.

Oh and to make things even more fun. Everyone thinks I'm upset over Olivia and not this. I'm not that upset over Olivia and that makes me feel horrible inside..

School is on

Living that fab lane of balancing the whole school and work thing. Besides the concept that I have to work every night after class till ten, I also have to read 200 pages and then write two papers, EVERY GOD DAMN NIGHT! I'll get the hang of it and if anything it will all be over in a month. I'll get this damn religion class out of the way and things will be all good.

In other knews, my lovely sister in law is refusing to let me see Olivia. Shes being unreasonable with this whole court date and hearing thing and tot be honest I hope it comes back to bite her in the ass. If Andrew gets custody at least i'll get to see my baby more.