Weekly Recap 22-28

I think that I'm going to start doing a weekly recap on top of all my other post. I just want to reflect on everything that's happened within my week and possibly what I might of learned.

22. I don't remember much of this day just that I worked a late shift.

23. I worked the morning shift and nearly died from exhaustion. I went home afterwards and picked up my brother and then went Christmas shopping with my little brother.

24. Woke up early and went home. Mom and me went shopping from Christmas breakfast and then we went to my grandma brubakers and celebrated a very fun Christmas. I always feel like Christmas at her house is magical. Afterwards I went to the movies with Sierra and saw the Hobbit. There was a lot of obnoxious boys in that theater.

25. Woke up, made pancakes and opened presents with my mom, nick and mark. Went to my grandpa Ricci's and celebrated with my huge family. There had to have been over 50 people this year. Later we went to dads and opened presents there. It was fun.

26. Got up and went to Kokomo with Devon, Knub, and Sierra. We went shopping and got dinner. When we got back to logan John, Buzbee, and James joined us at the bowling alley and we played pool like old times.

27. This is the day where my car went to shit. My breaks went out and my transmission started leaking. I went with my mom and mark to Kokomo to get dinner and my dads truck for me to drive. We shopped and it was fun.

28. Went and got lunch with Jordan and Sierra and then went to Monticello to go shopping with my mom.


Overall it was a fun week. I learned and reflected a lot on family relationships and traditions. Its weird to be missing some in my life that I once had. I also came to the conclusion that I really like thinking and talking about a child's development through enviormental sources. I kinda got into researching it and I think i could put those practices into action through Psychology. Hmm

Home for the Holidays

Indeed I did get to come home this year. So far so good I guess. We have the usual gossip in the family of course. I guess Ally called Andrews commander and told him that Andrew hasn't been taking care of her and Olivia. Andrews actually gonna get in a lot of trouble because Since he is in the military and married he gets a bonus in his check just for his family. The only real shitty part in this whole thing is that Andrew has been taking care of Olivia by sending 200 dollars a month to her. God ally just pisses me off so much.

Other then that this whole thing is going great. I went and got some Christmas presents last night with my dad and brother, got some more this morning and now im at  my grandmas house getting ready to celebrate Christmas eve here. It should be fun :)

Re-Dreamin

Ok so I had a dream last night that I've actually had at least two other times in my life.

So it always starts out with my father doing something bad that he shouldn't have. He gets aways but I end up taking the blame. This group of guys who have the resemblance of a mob come and grab me. They take me into the basement and tie me up. There idea of killing me is grotesque. They take a knife and cut my face straight down the middle. They left me there to bleed out and die. They actually did think I was dead. They left and later the bosses sick and twisted kids came down that were my age. Generally they left me alone to act dead and what not until the boy began getting a feeling for becoming a necrophiliac. Of course I had to act dead through the whole thing. Finally they left and I came around to the present. As I woke up an old lady who I think was a witch doctor in disguise as a maid was standing in the doorway. She partially healed my face but I still have an ugly mark running down the middle. We heard the commotion of the two kids coming back down so once again I had to lay down and pretend I was dead. Turns out though it was actually my friends Chris Nate and Holly. They told me that they were pretending to be friends with the bosses children so they could get me out.

Once again though I had to pretend to be dead because the bosses kids came from the steps. My friends talked to them and were all nice. The bosses son though was beginning to start back up on his necro ways. My "dead" self couldn't take it anymore I guess and when he turned away I grabbed a nail filer off the table and stabbed him in the esophagus. The girl began to scream but I grabbed a knife off the fire place and stabbed her to. She wouldn't quit screaming so I had to keep doing it. Finally she was dead. My friends had already took off on there escape route. I followed behind until I reached the back door. There was two guards standing watch. I don't know how my friends got through unnoticed but my only option was to run for it. Just as I stepped out the door one of the guard saw me and screamed "I have target on the blonde with the blue eyes" I ran for the garage door. Just as one of the guards were going to get me a red dot appeared on his forehead. It was from a scope on a gun. As I was reaching the door I got shot in the back. It actually wasn't that painful when compared to having your face sliced open. I kept running and made it to the car. For some reason Kendra was driving. Odd. Anyway we left and headed on our way to my dads.

That's when I woke up. I've had this dream enough times though that I know what happens next.

Finally we reach my dads and make him pack his stuff up because we cant stay there. We leave and end up hiding out in a leaking barn in the rain. That's normally when I wake up

I don't know. I don't really think anything of the whole thing, I would just like to start having new dreams. Or dreams that don't consist of me working out the Dollar General because I have been having a lot of those lately to.

Not So Much A Break

This break is taking a toll on me. Then again how would you even call it a break? Everyday I work and when I'm not working I'm sleeping. I got the 23rd- 27th off from work. Hopefully it stays that way, theres a chance that it could change if we get a shipment in.

My momma and grandma came up and bought me some food and some clothes yesterday, There is no longer a chance that I will starve which is nice. I'm still tired and I've already slept 13 hours. Sigh

And So Break Begins

It's kinda sad watching all my friends leave to go home to there families and friends. I sit here on my bed knowing that I have work almost everyday for the next three weeks without any social interaction with anyone but Kendra. Talking to Kendra though is like talking to a brick wall. I'm not sure what escapades I will adventure into on my own within the next few weeks but I know for a fact that I will be completely on my own. Sigh.

All Alone On the Holidays

Is it sad that I'm actually kind of excited to be living in Manchester all on my own. Me and Kendra are the only two people who are going to be staying in Oakwood. We would get to hang out but most of the time she's working when I'm not or shes going to be going home while I have to stay. 

I don't know. I think its the concept that I'll finally be on my own, taking care of myself, feeding myself, and working full time. It might get lonely but I'll deal with that obstacle when it gets here.

I need a quiz in my life

How old were you when you had your first relationship?like 6

Are you taken/single?always single

How old were you when you had your first kiss?6.. i think

What color is your underwear?purple

Do you like anyone right now?ohhhh yea

Ever had your heartbroken?So many times

Miss anyone right now?Yea Even though I just saw them

Who was the last person you sent a text to?momma

Last person to text you?momma

Last person you saw?Holly

What was the last thing you said to someone?"See you at Toke time"

Who is top in your top friends?Um here in manchester its holly and nate

Why?there my kind of people

Who do you trust the most in your life?I trust no one

Who do you love most?I think we've been over this

Ever been in love?Yes

Who has hurt you the most?Gage

Has a tragedy ever happened in your life?You could say that

Are you happy?Not at the moment

How many good friends do you have?like 4 1/2

Are there some songs you cant listen to because they remind you of someone?Oh yes

Have you ever cheated on a partner?Never!

Ever been cheated on?Always

Ever been told someone loved you?Umm i dont think so

Ever told someone you loved them and meant it?No actually, not really

Not meant it?yep

Ever had your heart broken?several times

Are you happy with where you are relationship-wise now?Nope

What is your idea of true love?Someone who can make me happy but still not put up with my shit

When they slip, do you think you can let go the small stuff?yes 

Do you believe in love at first sight?Nope

Why or why not?Because a personality is very powerful thing

Do you believe that it is best to have a friendship first then love?yea

Do you believe that love can be found in bars or is that too much of a risk?love can be found anywhere

Should people go to bars to find love?If they want

Or should they go to places where people who like what they like hang out?You dont want things to be too familiar

Should men and women be expecting the other to buy the other gifts?nah

Who should wear the pants in the relationship or should it be a mutual give and take?Mutual

The Ending.. I Hope

I don't know where I'm at right now. Emotionally I'm frazzled, mentally I'm gone. Every time I see him I feel like I'm going to lose it.

I thought that it was going to take me a long time to get over Chris but it turns out that its happening a lot faster then I thought it would. First there's the fact that he has a really unattractive attitude that I just cant put up with and then there's the concept that I'm pretty sure there's someone else that I'm falling for..

New School

Do you remember when I wrote that post about what my friends in Manchester were like? Well when I said it got to me when they made fun of the stuff I like or look forward to I wasn't kidding. I secretly applied to this other University because I was thinking about going there. My acceptance came in the mail and so did a really big scholarship. When I tried to mention it to Holly and Nate they told me it was stupid and not important.

This is one of my dream schools and I would love to go there but I'm not sure if I'm ready to make the commitment to leave every thing I just made and start new. I wish I had the stable backing of my friends but its apparent that, that is a lost cause here. Looks like I'm on my own, again.

Work, Finals, and Boys

I feel like when ever I tell my friends here about my life they feel awkward. I don't know. Before I left home after thanksgiving break it was made clear to me that I was not welcomed back. In that case I have signed up to work Christmas eve, Christmas day, and the day after Christmas. I don't think that I'm even going home for Christmas break to be honest.

Upon reading my blog most people probably know that I still like Chris. I mean did anyone actually excpect me to stop liking him once he told me he didn't like me? It doesn't work that way sadly. I do understand that he likes Holly though and it is starting to get to me that I'm lusting after a guy who doesn't nor will he ever want me.

Though in  hindsight Nate and me have been spending a lot of time together. I don't think me and him will ever date or get together but its nice to have someone there to be my buffer. Whittney says shes going to try and set me up with Hunter since she and him are now talking. I'll believe that when its starts raining money. I still like Hunter a little bit to which is probably considered irrational since me and Hunter don't even really know each other. Sigh.

Its finals week so my stress level is at an all time high. It could be worst I guess, at least I got this whole week off from work plus I only technically have two finals and a paper so its not to bad.

Soc 101

I'm seriously losing my shit here. Every time I even think about my Sociology class I have a small mental break down. i have no idea how I'm going to do any of this. My OCD is kicking in and I'm find myself categorizing and making everything into life. Ugh I don't know what to do!

Old Times and New

How do I explain my friends here in Manchester. Well i guess there a bit rough around the edges. If any normal person would look upon our group I'm sure they would all think we held a huge distaste in each other. We compliment each other with insults and repeatedly tell each other till "kill yourself". Its all fun, no ones actually serious. It does ware on you though sometimes. For instance, when I make a comment about something I like or something that I want to do and then you have them ripping it down.

I guess that's when i realize that nothing can really replace my friends back home. While I sit here and want to go to the blueberry festival and Warped tour, my friends her sit there and say its stupid. Sigh. This is what makes me love my friends back home. I know that In the end they would do these things with me in a heart beat because they love them just as much as I do.

I'm calming down with the joking among my friends when it comes to the category of ugly comments and distaste. I do have things in common with the people here but not to the extent that I do with my Sierra. I miss all the stupid things we use to do like ramping the tracks, just dance, going to applebees, or pranking mariah's car. I guess I never realized how much I was gonna miss that stuff until I didn't do it anymore, or at least didn't have anyone to do it with me.

This thanksgiving break is long awaited. I cant wait to see my friends again and get into some sort of trouble.

10-1

TEN HOW'S:

How did you get one of your scars?

Well the one on my arms from a frying pan

How did you celebrate your last birthday?

Laser Tag and Applebees

How are you feeling at this moment?

Tired as fuck

How did your night go last night?

Not that best

How did you do in high school?

It was up and down. Mostly Down

How did you get the shirt you're wearing?

I think I got it at Emmaus

How often do you see ur best friend?

I dont even know who that is anymore

How much money did you spend last month?

ha! like 20 dollars

How old do you want to be when you get married?

25

How old will you be at your next birthday?

20

 

NINE WHAT'S:

Your mothers name?

Deanna

What did you do last weekend?

Game of Thrones marathon

What is the most important part of your life?

Olivia will always be most important

What would you rather be doing?

Sleeping

What did you last cry over?

I realized that I dont have a home anymore

What always makes you feel better when you’re upset?

Talking about it

What’s the most important thing you look for in a significant other?

Someone whos generally nice

What are you worried about?

Failing my Soc class

What did you have for breakfast?

Nothin

 

EIGHT HAVE YOU’S:

Have you ever liked someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend?

Twice

Have you ever had your heartbroken?

On multiple occasions

Have you ever been out of the country?

Not yet

Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?

Erry day

Have you ever been back stabbed by a friend?

more then you can imagine

Have you ever had sex on the beach?

sounds horrible

Have you ever dated someone younger than you?

once

Have you ever read an entire book in one day?

Sadly this happens alot

 

SEVEN WHO’S:

Who was the last person you saw?

Katie

Who was the last person you texted?

Chris

Who was the last person you hungout with?

Nate, Dylan, KDG, Chris, Nathan

Who was the last person to call you?

Nate Wynn

Who did you last hug?

That a good question

Who is the last person who texted you?

Nate Hawkins

Who was the las person you said "i love you" to?

Dad

 

SIX WHERE’S:

Where does your best friend live?

Logansport

Where did you last go?

Computer Lab

Where did you last hang out?

Hellman

Where do you go to school?

Manchester University

Where is your favorite place to be?

At the river

Where did you sleep last night?

In my bed

 

FIVE DO’S/DOES:

Do you like someone right now?

Always

Do you think anyone likes you?

Probably not

Do you ever wish you were someone else?

Every once in a while

Do you know the muffin man?

No but I know Love muffin

Does the future scare you?

No I'm ready for it

 

FOUR WHY’S:

Why are you best friends with your best friend(s)?

Cause the bitches are just like me

Why did you get a myspace?

It seemed right at the time

Why did your parents give you the name you have?

My dad said because it was his ex girlfriends

Why are you doing this survey?

Bored I guess

 

THREE IF’S:

If you could have one super power what would it be??

Invisibility

If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you?

Umm yea a few things

If u were stranded on a deserted island & could bring 1 thing what would you bring?

A boat sounds nice

 

TWO WOULD-YOU-EVER’S:

Would you ever get back together with any of your ex’s if they asked you?

One maybe

Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love?

Id shave it even if it wasnt for someone else

 

ONE LAST QUESTION

Are you happy with your life right now?

Depends on the day

Quiz it UP

1. real name:
Amanda Ricci

2. like it:

 Its been working for me

3. single or taken:

 Single

4. zodiac sign:

Libra

5. male or female:

Female

6. age:

19

7. height:

5'7''

8. lucky number:

9

9. eye color:

Blue

10. hair color:

Brwon-ish

11. long or short:

inbetween

12. marital status:

Um still single

13. are you a health freak:

Ha! probably should be

14. height:

We Just went through this

15. do you have a crush on someone:

Indeed I do

16. do you like yourself:

More of less

17. piercings:

11 of them

18. tattoos:

3 of them

19. righty or lefty:

right

20. fav color:

silver

21. least fav color:

green

 

FIRSTS

22. first kiss:

Riley Goode. Preschool

23. first piercing:

Normal ears

24. first best friend:

Courtney Wingardner

25. first award:

Um probably an art award

26. first sport:

Volleyball

27. first pet:

I think it might of been a dog

28. first vacation:

Disney world

29. first car:

PT Cruiser

30. first crush:

Um I think his name was Zeke

 

CURRENTLY

31. what time is it:

11:51

32. where are you:

Computer Lab

33. wish:

I dont know, Im kinda thirsty

34. about to:

Probably go sleep

35. listening to:

I think its the air vent

36. waiting for:

Nothing

37. wearing:

Hoodie and jeans

38. annoyed about:

My irrational attitude latley

39. eating:

Just ate at the Oaks

40. drinking:

Still thirsty

 

FUTURE

41. want kids?:

YES!

42. want to get married?:

Maybe, theyed have to get through my fear of marriage

43. careers in mind?:

Social worker

44. dream car?:

87 Camaro

 

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX

45. lips or eyes?:

Eyes

46. hugs or kisses:

Depends on who they are

47. shorter or taller:

Talla

48. tan skinned or light:

Hmm doesnt really matter

49. romantic or spontaneous:

spontaneous

50. dark or light hair:

Dark

51. built, fat, muscular, skinny, or normal:

Doesnt matter, as long as there happy

52. hook up or relationship:

Kinda in the mood for a relationship

53. similar to you or different:

Inbetween

54. trouble maker or hesitant:

Mischevious is always fun

 

HAVE YOU EVER

55. kissed a stranger:

Yes

56. drank bubbles:

Uh from my milk

57. ate a crayon:

Not that I remembre

58. lost glasses/contacts:

So many times

59. climbed up a tree:

Yes and then fell out of it

60. broken someone's heart:

sigh yes

61. been arrested:

never been charged bro

62. turned someone down:

mmhmm

63. cried when someone died:

I miss my Aubs

64. liked a friend as more than a friend:

story of my life

 

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

65. yourself:

Depends on what im doing

66. miracles:

Nope

67. ghosts:

Yes

68. love at first sight:

Nope

69. santa clause:

Ha Sometimes

70. heaven and hell:

I beleive in limbo

71. kissing on the first date:

Sure why not

72. God:

Nope

 

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY

73. Is there one person you want to be with right now?

Yes!

74. Who is it?

Bro just read my blog

75. Do you kiss on the first date?

I have

76. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time?

Ew no

77. Last time you flossed?

Like 5 minutes ago

78. Last time checked for STDs?

Almost a month ago

80. Flirt with your friends boyfriend or girlfriend?

My friends need cuter boyfriends I guess

81. Cheat on a partner?

Never!

82. Whats under your bed?

Pretty much everything I own

83. Last time you cleaned your toilet?

Thats my suit mates job

84. Ever sprout hairs on your chin?

not that i've noticed

85. Does the carpet match the curtains?

We don't have carpet. :)

86. Last kiss?

Egh gage

87. Last booty call?

More or less Gage

88. 7th text received?

It was to Katie

89. 4th missed call?

My roomate Jessica

90. Last comment received?

My grandma applauding me for giving blood

91. Sleep with a stuffed animal?

No time for that

92. Last time you cried?

Like 3 weeks ago when I had a mental break down

93. Pee in pools?

not regularly

94. Ever stolen something?

Its happened a time or two

95. Ever drink milk from the carton?

Ew no

96. Mad at anyone?

Errry day

97. Ever rock a mullet?

One day man!

98. Last tuxedo worn?

What you talkin about im wearing onw right now!

99. Last video game played

Oh jeeze umm Build- A - Lot

Another One

Hmm life's been a bit interesting lately. Me and Jordan have been talking ALOT! I'm not thinking me and him would get back together or anything. He lives 3 and half hours away from me first off. Besides I like Chris and that wouldn't be fair to him. But then again in all honesty its not really fair to me to hang up on a guy that doesn't like me that way. I'm ready for break to start, I'm ready to see friends and get food that's not from the union.

Good Life

I'm feeling pretty good about life right now. I got the job at Timbercrest, Family Video, Dollar General and as a student Ambassador. My dads coming up today to fill my tank so I can actually go home during break. I'm definitely in a better mood.

Bad Day

Today just slowly keeps getting worst and worst. I swear I worked my ass off to get a good grade of the Soc exam and I got the complete opposite, then I had to deal with Whitney bragging about how shes getting the Social work assistant job. I don't know small things are adding up and there really starting to get to me. I need a break from school and reality. I am however glad that I had My Comm class today. I seriously love my group so much, we have way to much fun. Actually its probably just because Matthews in there to be honest. I so don't like Matt in that way but I do love talking to him. He generally makes my day better.

I dont really have a title for this one

This thing with Chris feels a lot like my relationship with Gage, minus the sex of course. I don't know I mean one moment this kid is generally one of the coolest people I know and the next moment hes a complete ass hole. Like all day today he's been rude and yet I put up with it. I just need to get over it anyway. Chris like Holly a hella lot. Its like the duo plus me. Doesn't matter I actually told him stuff about my life and now he thinks I'm a condescending narcissistic trouble maker. So it might be true but I regret nothing that I've done.

In other words. I'm going home again here in a week and a half. I'm not upset about going home, I would love some real home cooked food. I hate Union food. I'm not excited to see my mom or my grandma for that mater. I am ready to see Nick, my dad, and my friends. I'm starting to understand the concept of change more and more as each day progresses, in good time this will all just be another life experience.

Last Nights Charades

Last night brought up some serious feels. I mean it was bound to happen after 2 cups of cherry vodka, 2 cups of straight ever clear, and 2 shots of tequila. I found out more of what going on with Chris, he told me who he liked which was obvious but it was still a blow. He says he likes the concept but lets be real, hes been in love with that girl since the first day. Then he told me about his girl back home, I wished him luck and cheered him on. He needs a good girl in his life even though all I feel like he's doing is trying to get sex.

I know what your thinking "here it comes" yea I guess here is comes. This is cracking into the vault of level four stuff. What the hell does this guy see in all these girls? I mean lets be real. I'm probably the only one who's legitly there for him and talks to him a lot, from what I noticed I'm the only one that's genuinely nice. I like him so much and it doesn't even matter. I'm stuck between this being a good thing because I don't want to ruin my friendship and being upset because I feel like I just lost someone important.

With all this being said its kinda brought up my feelings of graduation and that in general is killing me inside. That was such a horrible day for me.

Grow Up

I defiantly don't want to skip all of my college experiences but to be honest I'm just so tired of seeing everyone starting there life's already. I'm ready to be married and have kids. I'm so over being in school. Yea I know, I should really cherish the fun I'm having now because when I get older I wont be able to do this anymore. I don't know, Ill get over all of this I'm sure but for now I'm just having a day.

Feels

So last night was a pretty good night. I laid everything out with Chris and the kid generally seemed upset to realize that his words actually have an impact on people. We hung out and my room and somehow ended up calling it the Hurt Locker where we make feels. Its to make sense, after are hour of trying to hurt each other on purpose, we ended up telling stories in our life's. Hopefully things will stay good between us all now.

I know I'm not helping the situation much by the way I acted this morning but I seriously woke up in the worst mood ever. It doesn't help that pretty much everyone went to lunch with out me. Or maybe I'm just unsettled by the dream I had last night of Chris. I really cant get back into that kind of thing. I'm almost positive he thinks I'm done with him because last night I told him I like most guys until I get to know them then I'm over then, and we were talking about Manchester boys.

It would be best if me and him didn't happen but go ahead and tell my sub conscious that, I'm sure it would listen to you and would stop with all the dreams and thoughts. Oh well. I'm good at pretending that every things normal and I know I can hang out with him without him knowing.

hmm

Am I allowed to say that this whole Cassie thing is getting to me. First off the girl was my best friend from fourth grade to my sophomore year. Yea we had two years of turmoil but now that were friends again I do have the realization that I never stopped caring for her. I can't get over the fact the shes pregnant. I mean this girl is continuously getting kicked out of her house, has no diploma, no job, does drugs like a crack head, and to be honest has no real idea what It's like to raise a child.

I've given some thought to the situation. I'm assuming Cassie had to have gotten pregnant around the time her nephew was born. Either she realized that everyone around her was growing up or she got the baby disorder from her nephew. I can speak first hand about what that's like. When Olivia was born I was automatically so in love with her that I seriously just wanted my own. I don't think people understand how strong the bond is between an aunt and there nephew or niece.

Either or I am scared for her but in a small way I'm also jealous. Though it is already a given that she will struggle for the rest of her life at least shes starting one. I still have four if not six years left of school, and then I have to go through so many works study programs. I could see me not having a child untill my late 20's which kinda upsets me. I want to have a kid at 25! I don't know. In the end I wish her luck but to be honest I have a huge idea that she will have anything but that.

Murders In the Air

Ugh. Theirs a high possibility that I'm going to murder someone today. One because I'm still pissed at what Chris told me last night. Seriously who the fuck even says that? I do feel slightly better about it since I got to yell at him and since Holly yelled at him for me. The kid wonders why no girls ever want to be with him, well theirs his fucking reason! He his by far one of the rudest people I've ever met and all I've tried to do is be friends with him but apparently because I don't act like Holly or his other friends that means I desperate for his approval. I swear sometimes hes worst then fucking Katie.

Then that leads me on to god damn Whitney. She's In my damn FYS group so we have to work together to do things. The damn bitch said she would go to the library and get it. She then text me complaining about she didn't get it because they didn't have it. I took the liberty of doing it myself and went to the school library ro find it. It was already checked out, so I went to the public library because I had a huge suspicion that Whitney was lying. What do you know, they fucking had it. I swear to god I refuse to fail this project because I have the shittiest group ever.

Rhythm

I think I'm really beginning to get the hang of things here at college. I started out pretty bad with my priorities all in the wrong place but now I'm actually beginning to understand what expected of me to actually have a successful experience.

Little Bits

To say the least, last night was probably my worst one in Manchester yet. I completely lost it. I actually ended up calling my dad to tell him that I was thinking about transferring schools and somehow I ended up crying my eyes out. He drove and hour and a half last night to come see me and talk to me. I do feel better now but I'm still kinda on edge. Thank god I get to go pick up my prescription today, god knows I need my meds.

For some reason I cant get Olivia off my mind. Everyday I miss her more and more but as of late its been more intense. Hopefully I get to see her and January, I miss my baby.

So I would just like to say that I called it. Gage and Mariah are officially together and I guess within the week he was back in Manchester. Hes lucky I didn't see him because I'm sure I would of fucking choked. Yes I still have a lot of resentment toward that kid.

bleh

So this is a whiny post, get over it.

Seriously I dont even know what to do with my life right now. I am so over my pretentious friends. Ive been talking to Jordan a lot and he remind me off what I'm missing. Maybe Manchester isn't the school for me. I have seriously been giving it a lot of thought.. I think I might transfer to ISU. I mean Manchester is amazing and I have a 4 year plan and everything is nice, I just think maybe the people I'm associating with aren't the right ones for me. Some times there awesome but a lot of the time they prove themselves to be stuck up ass holes. I don't want to be like that. I want to go back to the old Amanda. I was happier then. Now I just feel like my life is on an endless cycle and its driving me crazy.

Theres a few things I made my friends aware of here right away:

Mt biggest insecurity is feeling like no one likes me and wants me around.
I'm bi-polar, have depression, and anxiety attacks
I'm not rich
I cant keep doing the same things continuously
I can go from destroyed to crazy maniac bitch in 3 seconds

I guess they didn't give a fuck when I told them this because they've pretty much secluded me, rubbed money in my face, given me shit over my anxiety, keep doing the same things and then got mad because I didn't want to. And then with the last one, I was loosing it earlier and actually thought about making there lifes a living hell. Sigh I don't even know what to do anymore.

Poem

So I was going through my old poem books and just happened to come across one of my favorite poems. I wrote this back in high school but for some reason I'm just so in love with it.

For years I've trusted you with numerous secrets,

you've tried convincing me of things like no one else has,

My mask hardly ever fooled you,

And you always see through my tears;

You quickly found out that I was dying on the inside, 

When you see my cuts

You shake your head and know better then to lecture me,

Soon you realized I was suicidal

And for the first time it looked like YOU were falling apart

I know that you too, wear a mask

Yet you always find ways to make me smile

And you even make me face my "silly" fears

Even though we have our moment,

You have always been one of my best friends

Not once did you betray me;

You have always been someone I can speak my soul to

You laugh with me when im being stupid

And your always there to try and catch me when I fall

But when I do fall, your there to pick me back up again

Once you told me to not give up on life

That theirs something good in my future

And to just keep holding on even though im slipping

These words still play in my head

When Im picking up that knife

Pouring out those pills

Forming the noose

Or using that utensil to cut

I just wish I could somehow repay you..

I know in a way this poem is a little odd. Maybe it may strike you as a bit suicidal. To be honest when this was written, I was young and going through a hard time. This is were my mind was at and this is how I saw the world.

Give Me A Second To Scream

Sorry I just have to vent. God damnit I am so sick and tired of all the fighting with Ally and Andrew. Sad part is, is that none of it is even by them! its by everyone else! Seriously they both need to shut there god damn friends and families the fuck up because in the end there just making it worst for Andrew and Ally. In what I think people are failing to realize is that in the end the only person who fucking matters and Olivia! Oh My Fucking God! Im Over this shit!

Good Day

It's nights like these that I love. Seriously I'm sitting in the great room of Oakwood right now cuddled up in a blanket watching Vampire Diaries and American Horror Stories with my best friends while I drink hot chocolate and stuff my face with junk food. All my homework is done and I'm just in a really good mood. Actually now that I think about it, I think today in general has just been an amazing day. My classes all went well and I got a lot done. :)

My Disgust Of Logansport

First off, I have one of A Day To Remembers new songs stuck in my head. I knew things would happen and honestly I'm okay with it.

Second, you have no idea of how happy I am to be back home. Seriously I don't hate home but this weekend was just one of the craziest weekends of my life. I just love being at Manchester with all my friends that are so much like me. We have a lot of fun. I think the main part of my weekend home that threw me off was how much everyone had changed. I'm not saying that's a bad thing and I'm not saying that it was unexpected but I am saying that I didn't expect it to effect the way I look at things back home.

Oh well, now that I'm out of logansport I realize just how bad it is. If i could give one thing of sound advice to anyone it would be to get out of logansport. Seriously your life will change for ever and you will have a completely different out look on everything. For instance, I never realized how dirty logansport was, or even how drug infested and stupid it was. Now that I live in a really nice place its hard to believe that I lived there.

I'm not gonna continue to sit here and knock logansport, I mean that is where I grew up, and that is the place that shaped me but its also the place that made me want to start a new life. Logansport was apart of my life but now I've moved on and I can honestly say that I have no desire to go back.

So I Came Home

Hmm to explain my trip home would be and interesting story. I can give you the short run by saying I visited family, friends and worked. Or I could give you the long run by explaining how I never realized how much I hate Logansport, every one's changed, all I've done is fight with family, works worst then normal, and the highlight of my week is that I'm going to my dads tonight.

At first when I drove into Logansport I was so happy to be home and I was excited to see my friends and family. I didn't even go home, I went straight to my moms work to say hi. As soon as I got out and saw her she started to yell at me, figures. Then I went to my grandmas where I got lectured, cant say I'm not surprised. Later that night when I got home, I had no bed and someone was already on the couch. I slept on the fucking floor.

I guess my room now is used as the family storage, cool. On top of that my mom informed me that Andrew is coming home on the 9 of January and the bastard gets to stay in my room. I'm glad she told me. Now I have time to get all my shit out of there.

Oh and I'm royally pissed at the fact that I'm pretty sure my mom got rid of my jacket. That's just great, that's the only one I fucking have!

Family Drama

I am so sick and tired of all the family drama. Seriously I understand that my brother and Ally are divorcing which is awesome because it needs to happen but its the fact that shes playing the innocent card the whole time and blaming Andrew as a horrible person. If that's not enough shes having all of her family antagonize him as well. Seriously I just don't give a fuck. Andrew and I don't get along and I don't see that happening for a long time. The only problem I have is that Ally is treating me and my family like were nothing. It isn't enough that she took Olivia away from me but shes treating us like its all are fault.

I'm Coming Home!

Well I'm not gonna lie. At first I was a little submissive of the whole fact of going home. I mean I really love it at college, but as tomorrow grows closer and closer I just cant wait to go home. I miss my friends, family and all the things that I use to do back home. Sadly my one big worry is actually trying to get home but from what I've gathered its a pretty straight shot. My dad keeps worrying me though. He keeps going on and on about how I'm not gonna like it at home because nothing will be the same. I mean i know some things will be different but I'm not really that worried about me not liking it anymore. My main goal in going home tomorrow is staying as far away from Gage as possible. I have cut off all contact with him and I want nothing to do with him! That being said, I should really go to bed because I have a 9 o'clock tomorrow and my friends actually want me to get up early and go to breakfast... yea probably not gonna happen.

Straightening Shit Out

It's nights like last night for why I love college. I hung out with Holly all day and then had a terrorist chase with Chris. We drove around all night and played the subject game. Got some interesting responses. Me and Chris are back to normal and I'm pretty sure its going to stay that way. i had to options. push him into not being a bitch, or just be his friend. I chose the friend path, I don't want to mess up the trifecta. Anyway Tuesdays and Thursdays are my favorite days. i don't have class till 2 :)

Fight to the Death

Today's my day to claim birthday rights on a lot of things. I guess I should be excited but to be honest its just been a long ass day. I'm seriously not sure what the hell is going on with Chris. I mean some days he hates me while other days were okay. last night he actually started treating me like I was a human being again but then while I was in Sociology he lectured me about how I shouldn't date Hunter. To be honest me and Hunter aren't even dating and at this rate we never will. What right does have though to sit there and tell me who I should and shouldn't date. He had his chance! Ironically enough though I guess Hunter hates Chris and Chris thinks there good friends. I dont know where I stand with everything, i'm still trying to figure it all out.

More Complaining

I feel like all I ever do anymore is complain. I mean I'm not going to lie, this post is generally about me complaining. Fucking Chris Hartman needs shot. I have done nothing but be nice to him and try to prove to him that we can be friends without things being weird between us but apparently he doesn't thinks that's possible since he gave me the third degree all fucking night. Then on top of all that I had to deal with god damn Whitney and her dirty whore mouth. Ugh.

I love college don't get me wrong, I just cant deal with all of there problems anymore. In good news I met this guy names Hunter. Hes super cool and I do have my fingers crosses. Not gonna lie, there is a huge bonus in dating him, he hates Chris :)

Shoot Me

Seriously how am I suppose to feel right now. I mean the one guy I really wanted to be with doesn't care for me. I feel like this is the gage thing all over again. Now every things going to be weird between us. Fucking great. God I just know that Holly had something to do with this. I swear on my life that she said something to him to convince him not to be with me. Granted I'm pretty sure he likes her which leaves me to wonder why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I guess i just miss the comfort of having someone that was there for me but I'm not gonna lie, I really did like him, like alot. I don't know what I'm suppose to do now. I mean. Ive been rejected by both Gage and Chris this week. My brother tried to commit suicide, I re-injured my knee. And I got fucking success netted again. This week really blows and at this point in time I can really feel a panic attack coming on. You know i really don't blame him for not  wanting to be with me. I'm fucked up, I'm obnoxious, I truly would be a horrible girlfriend. Doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt...

Relationships.

Well we all knew it would happen. Katie and Chris are getting together which is super awesome it just reminds me how much I want me and the other Chris to work out. Then again whats there to work out, were not even together. He doesn't even know that I like him. Sigh I really like helping people with there relationships and making things happen for them but I can never do that for myself. I guess Holly and Katie are going to push it for me but the fact that Holly is so willing has me worried. There is just something about that, that doesn't sit right with me. Either way, if it happens then that would be cool but if it doesn't I know I'll survive.

Shits hitting the fan

I mean maybe it is. I guess Katie's going to pursue the whole love interest thing with Chris Knight. That's cool i wish them happiness but theres already a lot of people who are really butt hurt about it either because they like him or they think it will ruin our group. I mean none of us can really make the decision for them but I do think that if they date it will change things. See with Myles and Allison its not like that and with Zeth and I its not like that because Zeths not really apart of our group. Chris and Katie are right at the front of it. I don't know i just hope it doesn't ruin things.

I guess i figured out why Gage isn't talking to me. Once again he found another girl. Go fucking figure. I actually am done this time. I don't even think I can be his friend anymore. He can fool me once but twice pretty much calls a quit for everything. You know I'm not even gonna lie, this pisses me off royally and to make matters worst I work with the damn girl. I actually like her so its not like I can really play the mean role but I can use this closeness to my advantage.

If you know me then you know I'm not the kind of girl that sits around and lets you fuck me over, no, I'm getting fucking even for everything he did to me. Theres so many ways I could go about this so I'm gonna need to plan but I assure you that it will all hit the fan on fall break. Maybe your a bit skeptical, that's OK. Just go talk to Liz, Cassie and Margret about how I ruined there lives. Ill tell you straight up front that I will be a huge bully but only if you give me reason to be. I don't intentionally like being mean but I do feel that I have the right to retaliate if you fuck me over.

Success Net

At my school we have something called success netting someone. in general getting success netted means that someone thought that there was worry or cause about you and that they thought you needed help. For example, say my dad just died, someone would fill out a form and have me success netted. All my teachers would be informed of whats going on and all the right people who will need to help me will be there. See being success netted isn't bad, but it isn't good. Once your success netted you end up pretty much being watched 24/7. I myself have been success netted 4 times. 3 of those was unknowingly. The problem in the system is sometimes you don't want or need help but other people think that you do.

What I'm getting at here is that there is a major rift in my SOL group because our supposed friend Katie is success netting us all. She has us open up our feelings to her and tell her our personal stories and then she goes and reports us. She claims to be are friend but when she leaves were just the SOL kids that she has to look after. Were like a burden to her. Honestly Katie could leave, yea it would suck but we would all still get along just fine.

I'm not trying to bash her because I do like her but its just the fact that I tell her these things in confidence. I know she thinks shes doing the right thing but she really isn't. She cant be both a SOL and a friend. She has to choose because its already causing some huge problems in our group. No one wants to hang out with a nark.